going on a date

VEX MONEY: The most important thing a lady should have before going on a date

Ladies, get in here. Since the #KeepTheChangeBae episode that rocked social media a few weeks back, there have been a lot that has been written about things to do or not do when going on a date. We have had several reactions from a lot of writers, social media influencers and social commentators, one of such reactions is the one I recently found on Facebook. Not only was it dope, it was crazy funny and eye-opening as well, so I thought it best to share it under the humour column of this blog.

This post was made by Penocrat Ayomide Kindness – a popular social commentator on Facebook. Please enjoy below, as written by her.

“Some men are fucking stingy even to themselves.

You see ehn, there’s a huge difference between LET’S HANG OUT and LET ME TAKE YOU OUT.

When you tell me “let’s hang out”, I don’t expect you to pay the bills. I’m also prepared to go “Even Steven” with you. In other words, we can split the bills.

But when you say, “let me take you out”, I perceive it as you trying to give me a treat…and yes! I expect you to pay.

So, there was this ‘toaster’ who was always saying; ” Baby, allow me to take you out. Lemme treat you like a queen”. He was quite cute sha. And my village people sabi me wella. Fine boys are my undoing. So whenever they want to win me 6- 0, they will just send one my way. 😒

Each time this guy comes around, I just sense the fact that something doesn’t sit right about him, but like I said, the son of man is fineee. So worefa! Who knows? He might just be our long awaited Mr Right. πŸ‘‰ πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

So that fateful day, he pulled over at my place, and as usual, asked if I was ready to be treated like a Queen, I screamed “yes!” Something in my head stealthily told me ” Peno no gree. Stay your house!”

But my village people have never allowed me to be great for once. They reminded me of how bored I was going to be at home, they also helped me to recall, that I haven’t really gone on a date in months. And this wan wasn’t just a date, but a date with a fine boy. So I agreed.

As we enter motor, uncle begin ask me Jamb kweshun. He was like; ” ERM…so where do you want to go? What do you have in mind?” I was weak. With the way he had been hammering on treating me like a queen, I thought he had plans sef. Mtcheew. So I asked him; ” Do you have any place in mind?” He said no. Toh! Oya les gaan wash feem na. So I suggested we go to the cinema. Because that’s where I go, whenever I’m bored or less busy.

As we got to Genesis, we were asked to pay 1500 naira each to get our tickets. Onku was surprised. He looked at me and screamed; ” why are they collecting 1500 naira? For what? That’s cheating!This Warri sef dem be thief. Its cheaper in Asaba. Go to film house. You can see two movies with #1500! Nonsense!” When he saw I was not being receptive towards his madness, he turned to one of the workers issuing the tickets; ” Excuse me ma. Do you people mean seeing just one movie costs 1500?” The lady replied “Yes”.

“Haba! Ees too much Na! Do you think we pluck money from trees? Oya how much ees your popcorn?” “1500.” the lady replied. Small chops nko? “1500” the lady replied again.Onku mad. “So everything here is 1500? What kind of rubbish is that Na? You people are really heartless. I won’t come here again. Common film sef. This film you people are even using to do shakara is it not what they sell 100 and 200 naira in the market? “No Oga. Not these ones. Even if you find cinema quality movies in the market, they are actually costlier than other movies.”

Onku looked at me. “ERM… Baby, let us go and buy any movie of your choice. We will go to my house and watch it. We will still even keep it for other visitors to see, when they come around. Its cheaper.”

Hehehhehe. Na 1500 dey bring all these Soyinka grammar out? 1500! This must be a joke from the pit of hell. I smiled. I was surprised. No strength to even explain to this wan that he was actually drawing unnecessary attention. Since wey him don dey shout, people don dey buy ticket finish dey keep. Film sef go soon start. Is this the * Queen’s Treatment?* Lawdamercy! Which kain human being be this? As he was arguing with the babe selling the tickets, ( the Aunty sef get time) I just grabbed a chair and was feeding my eyes.

E cum remain five minutes for feem to start. The spirit ministered to me.”Peno!!!”

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“Here I am. Send me.” I replied.

It continued; “Go! That thou mayest buy thy movie ticket. Queen’s treatment is not by force.” I agreed and went to buy my ticket. Since I don come Na. Make I no waste my time entirely. As they were arguing, I cut them short, and asked the Aunty to give me ticket. I also asked for a drink, pop corn and a can of water just incase…

Onku look me laugh. ” I thought we were about to go buy the movie in the market and watch it in my house Na.” Did I just hear right? Hianity! Seriously??? Why do people allow the devil to massage their brains at will? It is not good o. Which wan be ‘watch it in my house?’ E be like say konji don dey minister to this wan.😦😦

As I was about going inside to see my movie, he asked; “Baby why??, you too dey vex sha. Why didn’t you pay for two people Na? See you acting like you have money when I feel you dont. Don’t you know its your right to question injustice, like I’m doing? So if I marry you tomorrow you will spend my money like water and make me a poor man? You’re just showing me that you can’t save. I’m disappointed”

Hehehhehhe. Ees like this wan want me to pour him small holy water this afternoon abi? No! I don’t use to use eyes to see feem. Feem is about to start. Lemme gaan finish washing feem fez. Later we can put leg in one trouser. His own preferably. God forbid I allow the cow dung any close to my trouser.

After the movie ended, I came out. I saw him waiting at one corner laidat. He said he wanted to drive the Queen home. Queen mmuo ka o bu nke mmadu? I knew that he knew that he’d made a fool of himself earlier. Upon all his outward tushness his low mentality screwed him from the back. Oya apologize Na. MBA! Pride Na bastard. He would rather be castrated. Egoistic sonofabitch.

That day I looked at him and imagined the attraction. This one is obviously a sorry excuse for manhood. A disaster. How manage? See me that use to see visions. My friend Edi Selmo Ifeanyi even sees visions. Why didn’t I tell him to epp me checkout this chicken peri-peri before I embarked on the Godforsaken date???I walked away. Which wan be drive the queen? Queen of England? Taxi drivers don die finish? Government don ban Keke? Abeggi!

He got up and followed me. “Baby allow me to drop the Queen Na. ” Hian! See me see trouble o. Oya gaan drop the Queen Na. I seize your moto? She’s in England. Run along. Gaan drop her.” I replied.
He continued; ” I’m only trying to help you, so you don’t spend much on transportation, and you are making me feel bad and very unsettled. Seriously I’m surprised.”

“Bia, Oga, research has proven that masturbation is a form of self relief. So Go fuck your Goddamn self! You go calm down.” With that i stopped a cab…

Some people sha…if persin wan commit suicide now ehn, it’s only a question of climbing up to their ego and jumping down to their IQ. You go just die. Ndi uchu!😏😏😏

Moral lessons

I have said this over and over again, and I will keep saying it. As a lady, never ever ever, you underestimate the power of VEX MONEY when going on a date. It helps you retain your pride! Don’t ever go on a date without having money of your own. Never! No matter how sweet the guy is, don’t put your fate in his hands. Don’t!!!! See ehn, if I’m going on a date, and I discover my pocket is dancing alingo ehn, I sit the fuck down in my house. Ees not me that my village people will use to shine. Tueh! I jump am pass πŸ˜‚
After hearing this gospel, some girls going on a date, will still be like; ” I know El Antonio Emeka, he’s a sweet guy. He cannot do me cunny” πŸ˜‚ I laugh.

You know why I’m insisting on vex money? Na because, sometimes,wetin people dey talk as dem dey go market, fit no be wetin dem dey talk as dem dey come back. No jokes. Village niggas are real! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

– Penocrat Ayomide Kindness

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