dating a popular guy
Rhamcee Munah | this image has nothing to do with the person in it. Just for illustration.

The perks of dating a popular guy on social media. 

There are various social media sites but I am well acquainted with Facebook. As such, the perks of dating a popular guy in these sites would differ from environment to environment.

There’s twitter, there’s Instagram, there’s snapchat, there’s whatsapp and then there’s Facebook.

Popular guys don’t just become popular by virtue of having been born into this world — there are special cases like if you are the child of a celebrity, say North West.

But like every other thing that counts in this world, we appreciate hardwork and so, by popular guys, I mean the ones who worked for it through years of back to back hit posts.

A popular guy can be popular for various reasons. If he’s handsome (your Greek God kind of handsome), if he’s wealthy (your Otedola kind of spend the money),  if he’s intelligent (your Albert Einstein and Wole Soyinka kind of combo), if he’s humorous (your basket mouth and Bovi combo), and if he’s everything in one (your Jesus save the world kinda situation).

With each peculiarities come the perks but there are common grounds you would notice in all perks despite these peculiarities.

Let’s talk common grounds.

1. The hustle to remain number one: The apple of his eye. The sugar in his tea. The Abo in his Aboniki. That kinda life. You see, by virtue of being popular, these guys attract many girls to their humble abode. King Solomon has got nothing on them.

So, you are in this competition with a lot of girls. Everyone is a suspect even your mum. You want to act unaffected but it’s hard when Caro uses “Baby boo” everytime she wants to write her comments. There’s only one baby boo in his life and that’s you.

2. The struggle to act unaffected: The – “you are popular and so fuck what” kinda attitude. So, your popular guy does his WCW and it isn’t you in the picture and the busy bodies would come into your inbox to ask you what the breakup story is. While the village people would mention you on the post without any fear for Amadioha’s thunder. Ahn Ahn! Just like that? Because of another girl?

So, because you are trying to act unaffected or trying to give the unaffected girlfriend vibes, you go under the post and comment “Mehn, look at that arse boyfriend! Let me go make her my WCM too.”

Village people: 0
You: 1,000,000,000,000

3. The doctorate degree you have in snooping and investigating: Before you began dating this popular guy, your life was void of drama. Plain. Bland. Meh. But all of a sudden, it’s become something else. Drama. Rochas Okorocha. Drama.

Without meaning to, you follow him around. You stalk him even while he’s chatting with you and his replies take less than a second to deliver. You do not trust Caro and so, you do what you must do to stay number one.

4. His birthday: Hahaha. I needed to laugh here because this right here is a dilemma. You are confused as to whether you should be the first to wish him happy birthday or the last (when the ovation is over and everyone has gone home).

However, that’s a dangerous move. If you are the first, chance is, a lot of better, well scripted, jaw dropping posts would follow behind yours.

If you are the last, that’s even more dangerous. When everyone has finished ‘talking the talk’ what would be left of main bae’s post? Numbers? Paragraphs?

You know what I did? As pa Warri born wey I be by colonization, I timed my wishes. Every hour was a different write up and a different picture until the day was over. Are you mad? Who one carry last?

Let’s talk uncommon grounds.

The perks in these grounds come with the peculiarity that your popular boyfriend displays.

1. Say boyfriend’s face is your Greek god kind of face and you aren’t anywhere near Snow white but he has assured you that he doesn’t mind but you do, you and I know that you would become friends with a lot of photo editing apps and writers of quotes that go “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

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It helps if you can match him face to face and body to body so that you can be the reason why people make you guys “relationship goals and prayer points”.

2. If he’s a Basket mouth or a Bovi, you have to get the jokes before they escape his mouth or in this case, his keypad. You have to laugh even when you don’t find it funny because for every frown and ‘waka pass’ you do, ten thousand girls are in his inbox and the comment section telling him he’s the best thing after Jollof Rice.

3. If he’s a Wole Soyinka and Albert Einstein, there’s no way you won’t be a Chimamanda Adichie. Sad truth but these guys hardly ever date people who do not possess an iota of common sense or display intellectual prowess like they do.

If you are intelligent too, you have no problem. You guys can become the power couple and confuse your followers and friends. Use ambiguous words that make no meaning. Delve into areas and topics unresearched or untested and show them why there’s an A in Albert Einstein’s Albert and not an F.

4. If he’s everything in one. Your three in one combo. Your hungry man size. Your Jesus. Just die. Because ehn, you would be in a competition with both woman, man, animals, monitoring spirits, village people etc and you would die of heart attack.

You know why? Because the attack is coming from different angles and sadly, you are just from one angle.

Enough of the bad perks. Let’s talk good perks.

The good thing is that there’s something called love and if he’s a fan of PDA (which isn’t a guarantee for faithfulness) you would have peace of mind because everyone would know you.

Your picture is his profile picture. He gives you a shout out every Wednesday. He writes sweet nothings. He tells people how you are the best thing after a quickie and how you make he cum faster than Usain bolt. He makes other girls green with envy.

What to do so you don’t die young?

There’s really not enough you can do if you are deep into him. However, there’s something I did.

Always communicate. Be your own popular too. If he’s popular, you can too. That way, he knows there are tons of guys out there wanting you too.

Make him use safe words often. No, I ain’t talking BSDM. Safe words like –  love, die, breathe. “I love you. I would die if you leave me. I can’t breathe without you in my life”. You get the gist?

Use your own safe words too. Safe words like –  break up, leave, end, talk, tired. “I am breaking up with you. I am leaving this relationship. Let’s end it. We need to talk. I’m tired of this relationship.

In extreme situations, like situations when you don’t feel your heart whenever he blocks you or when he flaunts another girl with a caption ” my missing rib”, be sensible and resign.

Memorize this day and night.

I cannot come and go and kill myself.
Man’s not hot Plicks.
Peace be unto you.

I am CBC, scribbling for Glowville Blog

 

Kindly note that this segment is purely for humour, don’t take it to heart too much.

Thank you.

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