One of the fastest ways to crumble a new relationship is to carry the wounds or expectations of an older relationship into it. Let me explain. For example, if your ex was a shameless cheat that you finally broke up with after he’d had slept with two of your closest friends and that beautiful cousin of yours, it will be natural to be cautious in your new relationship. You don’t want your new partner snooping with anything with vagina around you. Meanwhile , this doesn’t in any make your new partner guilty of anything really.
If you don’t disabuse your mind from your previous nasty experience, you’d give body language of uncomfortability anytime your partner befriends your female friends. You’d start behaving irrationally to the point of disgust. You’d brew unnecessary tension in your relationship. Your partner will be helpless because he or she doesn’t understand where you’re coming from. You’d have inadvertently set the stage for altercation in your new relationship.
I began my first practical understanding of this lesson on Caro’s last birthday. It was the first as partners. I am not really familiar with how birthday works among two people dating. I’ve lived an emotionless life for the better part of my youth. On Caro’s part, she was anxious. She had this ominous feeling that something would go wrong. Witch. Something indeed went wrong.
Even though we communicated till about few minutes to 12 in the morning of the D-day, I hadn’t wished her a sweet birthday till afternoon when her call came in! Not that I forgot. In fact, she was on my mind every minute of the hour till she called. But because I didn’t understand the importance of making a good impression, my phone was dead all day. In retrospect and in the face of fresh knowledge of where she’s coming from, I could have done better. And in retrospect, she could have made less hassle of it all. She began throwing tantrums around 2pm.
Like play like play, we dragged on needlessly about why my phone is on and I hadn’t deemed it fit to make a birthday call till 2pm! I’d been in transit all morning and rushing to catch up with a music program I anchor at Rave FM Oshogbo. Relatively tenable excuse but where Caro was coming from in her previous relationship meant she wasn’t patient or willing to be reasonable enough to buy it. Once bitten, twice shy. Her reaction was a result of old wound from an earlier relationship. It was until we found out that we were able to forge ahead.
I remember she called me some unprintable names and I was like is this one mad? If you’ve been on my mind all day, my phone had been dead until a minute your call came in, I’ve been on transit and even late for my program and yet the day is far from over, what warrants unprintable names o?
It was until then, we reviewed and discovered she overreacted because of her previous experience in a similar situation. Her last birthday with her ex had similar colouration of wilful forgetfulness. I had to reassure her that I am La not her ex.
Now that’s what you need to do. Remind yourself your partner is not your ex. Don’t judge them using your ex’s yardstick. Don’t bring old wounds into new relationships. And don’t be paranoid over illusions. Yea, it is good to be on the watchout for noticeable tendencies from past relationships but let objectivity rule your reactions. I use to date an academician. She still helps me to edit articles I intend to publish. If I was to go by her yardstick, other ladies I’ve dated since her would look academically inferior. But things don’t work that way!