If there was one important lesson I took from my grandmother before she died, it was her most recurrent advice to me on marriage. “The man is important, but his family is more important” she would always hammer into my ears. I didn’t think it too serious until I met Akin (not real name), and met his family.
This is not intended to slate his family. On the contrary, it was not that Akin had a ‘bad’ family, I just didn’t like the kind of family he had. Let me do a quick description of his family so you can get what I’m talking about.
Akin’s father is an Army retiree, and he has three wives. Two live under the same roof with him, while the third is somewhere in Jos. Akin is the first child from his mother, but the second oldest child of the entire family. Akin’s mother is a civil servant, nearing retirement. Akin has four siblings from his mother, and eight siblings from the other wives. It is indeed a large family, you will agree with me.
I don’t like polygamy and I wasn’t prepared to get married into a family where such was in place, The evils of polygamy stared at me in the face every time I visited Akin’s family home. The constant quarrels and bickering I witnessed every time I visited made me shudder in fear of what might happen to Akin eventually.
Although he promised and swore heaven and earth that he will not end up like his father, but I found it hard to believe, considering Akin has a thing for ‘heavy-chested’ ladies, and he didn’t hide it from me (no, I’m not jealous). I wanted to believe him, but then a mistake is all he needs to make, and he would be on his way to having two wives like his father. Risking that possibility with him would mean for me that I end up in the polygamy I really detest.Instead of waiting for that to happen, and then I start preparing papers for divorce, I decided that I would rather avoid all that drama totally and let go. And that was what I did. I loved Akin, but I loved myself more, and my future too.
We ended it, and we have both lived separately and happily ever after. In that sense, I would use the opportunity to advise young lovers out there to pay attention beyond the one they are dating. Look at the traits, look at the family. What are the regular or irregular patterns? Can you keep up? If you have issues you can’t bear, don’t try to patch, don’t try to endure. If it is not something you can control, end it before it ends you.
Better to be unmarried than to live with regrets in marriage.
Akin and I have been fine. He is married, and I am getting married too.
– Aduke. O
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