ladies in church

The two weird ladies in church and the makeup on my cheek

I had a very interesting day today. So much so that I had to write about it. And you know I haven’t been active in a while. I must apologize for that, you see there’s been a lot that life’s been throwing up at me – the two weird ladies in church are an example, and I will like to start with them.

Today though, life was…interesting…and it’s about my encounter with two weird ladies in church.

It started with some lady screaming my name through the window. No, it’s not what you think, I didn’t get anyone pregnant. This lady was on her way and wanted me to tag along. Yeah. I was still asleep at the time, 8:13am. I had a busy night. No, it’s not what you think, I wasn’t getting anyone pregnant. Just work.

So she screamed my name again and again that I had to groan out “Jesus Christ” (that was as an exclamation) – an appropriate one for a Sunday. I lazily moved, still sleepy, on to the window:

“yeah, morning”.

“morning, I’m going to church, should I wait for you?”

“I’ll catch up. Be there around nine”

“No, let me just wait”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be there. I promise.”

So, reluctantly she left.

Days ago this lady grew interest in me, I’m guessing the spiritual me, approached me and invited yours truly to her church. “Just for two hours” she said. I agreed simply cos it was an opportunity to document the happenings in church. A lot of weirdness happens there.
At 9:45am I was in church hoping that service would end at 10am. But it’s church, right? Anyway, the ushers put me right between two ladies. I don’t know if this was intentional. Maybe it was a Christian way of saying “pick one hoe and go with the flow”. The one on the right was light skinned, short and had too much damn makeup. The one on the left was surprisingly opposite. She was tall, dark skinned, very little makeup and was quite friendly. It was her who touched my knee to say to me whatever the pastor asked his congregation to tell their neighbour. With that singular act she must’ve sent a signal to the lady to my right that she got this one. “This one” being me. So there I was smack in the middle of two ladies who didn’t even bother to hide the fact they were probably not single but searching. One was fascinated by my hair, the other seemed to like my shoes.  And I became some sort of model for a brief period.

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It was going to be too easy so I decided to ignore them both.

The next forty minutes after service should have been over was characterized by elbows touching, quick glances, seat adjustments, standing to hail the pastor, and the very creative phone gallery display that the one on the right put forth. She angled her mobile phone such that I could have a good view of her many photos in different attires, poses, and bedrooms. Yes,  looked. What’s a brother to do?
Pastor instructed, at some point, that we  shook hands with three people and bless them, or something. And at that moment I seemed to have become more than one human being as two people shook my hands more than once. Service ended, finally, with dancing and this was well used by all the women in the church to show their new clothes and hair, and …curves.

So I left the church, not in a hurry though, there was plenty to stare at. As I made my way off the grounds and was asking myself where the lady who invited me was and how she’d believe I actually did honour her invitation, she called out to me. More like screamed my name again. Glad that I did come,  she hugged me. I’ve got makeup on my right cheek to show for it. Makeup I didn’t know was there for the three hours before I took a look at the mirror.

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