Your partner is “perfect.” So, you should feel fortunate that they’ve chosen to be with you, right? But what if you are actually in love with a narcissist? Let’s find out together.
Narcissists aren’t immediately obnoxious people, they are often charismatic, engaging, charming and confident. They also have a way of making a great first impression. However, there are some people who can see through the façade of a narcissist. Those who can’t are in for a world of hurt when their narcissist lover finally reveals his/her true colors.
Narcissists are more than just people who talk to themselves in the mirror. They are great at manipulating people. They love to objectify others and don’t have the ability to empathize or be compassionate. Narcissists do everything they can to strip their partners of their dignity and self worth. Falling in love with a narcissist and having a relationship with them can be more than painful or stressful-sometimes it can be dangerous.
While only a professional can confirm this for you, here are 20 signs to pay attention to if you’re not sure that you are in love with a narcissist.
When you fall in love with a narcissist, you are almost certainly falling for a hot person; male or female. For example, even if your guy doesn’t look like Brad Pitt, he’s confident enough to turn heads every time he walks into a room. Initially this may be a turn-on for you. However, you’ll get pretty sick of this after you find that you can’t get a word in edgewise when you’re in a conversation with them. Your partner may also start to embarrass you in public by being overly arrogant.
They Take Your Kindness for Weakness
When you fall in love with a narcissist, the nicer you are, the meaner they get. Narcissists feel like they are entitled to treat people in a cruel manner. They’ll even brag about their inability to cut people out of their lives without feeling any type of remorse. Narcissists also take pride in being able to humiliate people. You may hear your partner make mention of these things casually in the beginning of your relationship. You might think he/she is being situation-specific when talking about these character traits. Over time, you’ll see that this is the way narcissists handle nearly every relationship they have.
They Think You’re Perfect…Until They Change Their Minds
Narcissists are known for “love bombing.” This is their attempt to influence you by showering you with affection and attention. Love bombing normally happens in the beginning of your relationship. You’ll get lots of compliments from your narcissist lover during this phase as well. He/she will tell you that you’re “perfect” or an “angel.” You may also get compliments on your looks and intelligence.
The reason narcissists do this is to make you dependent on them while testing your limits. The way that you respond to this attention will tell a narcissist how confident you are, and how much they can get away with. Once they discover that you’re a normal human and you actually like being complimented by the person you love, the narcissist will turn on you. You’ll be told that you’re unattractive and dumb, and that you should be grateful that anyone would want you. In many cases, negative things a narcissist says to you are projections that don’t really even exist. In other cases, the narcissist will exaggerate a character flaw of yours to make you feel even worse about something you may be self-conscious about.
If you have the audacity to respond to these attacks, your feelings may be ignored. The narcissist may also try to punish you by withholding affection.
They’re Intensely Jealous
If you’re successful, good-looking, talented or surrounded by supportive family and friends, beware of falling in love with a narcissist, because you’re just the target they are looking for. Narcissists are very jealous because they see you as a “supply” for their behavior. They will be threatened by any attention you get, because it means that they may lose access to you. If that happens, they will no longer be able to manipulate your emotions. Narcissists may become angry or extremely clingy when they see that you have a life outside of them. However, they don’t really want you. What they actually want is your attention, even if it’s negative attention.
They’ll Probably Cheat
Since narcissists don’t care about other people’s feelings, they are likely to be unfaithful in a relationship. Having an affair also means that someone else is paying attention to them. Narcissists don’t care about intimacy, so they may cheat out of curiosity, or just for the sake of hurting you.
They Use Sex To Manipulate
Narcissists often prefer masturbation to intimacy with their partners. This is because they have a strong hate for intimate connections. Narcissists will often withhold sex from their partners to humiliate or frustrate them, and will tell their partners that they’d rather masturbate or watch porn as a way to add insult to injury. Somatic narcissists are prone to masturbate with their partners, while cerebral narcissists will have sex with their partners occasionally, just to keep their partners from leaving. If your partner shows some of these traits, you may need to start looking deeper at the possibility that you have fallen in love with a narcissist.
They Love Having Threesomes
Narcissists love threesomes, and not the sexual kind. They love to create “triangles” in which their partners feel like at odds with someone else. This way, the narcissist can have two people vying for his/her love and attention. This builds the narcissist’s “supply” and empowers them to continue hurting and manipulating you. Your narcissist partner could put you at odds with a best friend, an ex lover, a parent or a family member. The goal is to make you feel undesirable and insecure, and to make sure that you’ll continue grappling for your partner’s love.
They’re Naturally Abusive
Even if the abuse isn’t physical, being with a narcissist can be very damaging. Narcissists will often engage in emotional, verbal and mental abuse as a way to control their mates, friends and relatives. Beware when you notice that your partner is discounting your feelings constantly accusing you of things, you might just have fallen in love with a narcissist. These are just one of their ways to get attention, and they can be damaging to you in the process.
Narcissists will say so many negative things to you that you may start believing them. After all, how could someone who “loves” you so much suddenly start attacking you? You must have done something to deserve this, right?
Actually, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Deep down, narcissists are dealing with pain, rejection and inadequacy, and when they project onto you, they’re actually expressing their own self-hate.
They Can Be Hurtfully Honest
A narcissist will say things like, “you should leave me” or “I will hurt you” because they know that if you really love them, you’ll try to convince them that they are worthy of love. This feeds the narcissist’s need for attention, and works as a super-drug. It sends the message that he/she can treat you terribly, but you’ll still come back. If you find yourself stuck with this kind of person, you are most probably in love with a narcissist.
They’ll Recreate Your Relationship With Someone Else
Narcissists will get into a relationship with someone else after your breakup, and have the same relationship with the new person. He/she will call their new partner by a nickname that was supposed to be just for you. The narcissist will take their new “love” to all the places you used to go, and may even arrange to marry them in the same venue where the two of you tied the knot. They do this because they have no conscience and want you to feel bad. Don’t be sucked into this. You’ll find that the further you remove yourself from your narcissistic ex, the happier and more peaceful you’ll become.
They Don’t Have Boundaries
If you leave a narcissist in your house unattended, they’ll go through your things and find as many private details as they can about you. They’ll use this information against you if you ever disagree with them on anything. Narcissists will also push to be in an exclusive relationship even if you haven’t known them long. When you tell them your fears, they’ll force you to confront them just to criticize you. If you share your dislikes, they will be sure to embody them just to annoy you and show you how unimportant you are to them.
They’re Huge Liars
Narcissists find honesty boring, and at their core, they’re pretty dull individuals. So, they’ll latch themselves onto everything you’re doing, so that they’ll have interesting things to talk about around others. They’ll even repeat your words as their own during conversations.
They’re Not Able to Empathize
Narcissists don’t have the ability to care and they can’t relate to your hurt. They are only capable of pursuing a desire for narcissistic supply, which is satisfied by seeing you in pain. For instance, some narcissists will cheat on you, then blame their actions on you if you do anything that appears “needy” like crying or asking them why.
They’re Obsessed With Being In Control
Narcissists always need to feel special and powerful. So, they don’t get involved in situations that they can’t control. They are also hunting for more narcissistic supply. That means everyone they come in contact with is seen as a means to an end.
Narcissists often flatter those in high positions, as well as people with low self-esteem. The first group of people provide an access to narcissistic supply, and the second group provides a narcissist with an excess of supply. If a narcissist can’t control a person, they will devalue them immediately. Eventually, all the narcissist’s friends and family will be devalued if they ever figure out the narcissist’s control tactics.
They’re Obsessed With Their Reputation
A narcissist is constantly afraid of being found out. So, they’ll manipulate or threaten family members or exes to make sure that no one else finds out how terrible they are. Or, they’ll pretend to be sorry for their actions to keep people from exposing them.
They’re a Genius—You’re An Idiot
Of course, this isn’t really true, but a narcissist wants you to believe this. They think they’re the only ones on the face of the earth who have anything intelligent to say. They’re the only ones with class and sophistication (in their minds, of course). Any time you have an opinion about something, a narcissist will challenge you and try to make you feel insecure about having your own way of thinking. They’ll keep badgering you until you give up just to get them to be quiet.
They Have Lots of Tantrums
A narcissist will go into a full-out rage at any given moment, even if it’s about something minor. If you dare to tell them that they’ve hurt you, they will think you’re trying to deceive them. After all, narcissists are “perfect,” so they can’t fathom the idea that they’ve done anything wrong. Narcissists will also throw tantrums if you attempt to criticize them in any way, or even if they feel like you’re criticizing them.
They Have a Strange Laugh
Narcissists have a weird laugh that usually comes out when they’re describing how they embarrassed someone who was “beneath” them. They also laugh when they hear of someone’s misfortune, because they have no feeling. For instance, a narcissist can hear about a friend’s cancer diagnosis, and laugh, because the diagnosis means that the narcissist is now “better” than someone with cancer.
They Don’t Change
Various studies have proven that there isn’t a “cure” for narcissism. Narcissists may learn how to relate to people in a better way, but it could take years of counseling. You’ll never have the type of intimate connection you crave or deserve when you’re dealing with a narcissist.
No matter what a narcissist does or says, they’re always using the need for supply as a motive. If you don’t hear from a narcissist, it means they’ve found someone else to control. If they come back into your life, someone else saw through their games and they’re back to try and snake their way back into your life.
After reading all of these, can you tell if you in love with a narcissist?
As sent in by Rachel Pace, and edited in part by the Glowville team.
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