first love

I want to see my first love but my BF won’t let me

I fell in love with my best friend in school. He happens to be my first love. Our relationship was a lost cause because we had different sexual orientations. He “experimented” with me, but had no interest in a relationship; he went on to have a child with a woman. I moved on and dated others, but I’ve never been able to stop being in love with him. So many things make me think of him, and no feeling since has measured up to my first love.

I have a serious boyfriend of three years, whom I do love. I’ve been upfront with him about my first love, who has been a great point of contention.

My boyfriend wants me to have no contact with this former love, which I understand, but it is torturous to me. I feel like I can’t talk about it with him because it’s too upsetting.

Now we’re staying in my hometown for two months, and my obsession is in overdrive. I want to see my high school love again; I feel like it could help me move on if I could talk to him, because going cold turkey hasn’t worked. I have no reason to believe he could love me, and thus I don’t see it as a threat to my current boyfriend.

What I’d like to know is whether I’m justified in wanting to see him, how I should approach talking about this to my current boyfriend and how I can free myself from this old love obsession?

 

Advice:

My dear, all you have said points to one thing – Obsession. You are obsessed with your first love.

Your impulse to see the object of your obsession is understandable, but it isn’t necessarily a safe choice. You say you don’t have any reason to believe that your first love will ever love you back, and so seeing him is not a threat to your current relationship. But your obsession does not require any stimulation to thrive — hence the past 10 years of a one-sided fascination. It is a threat to your current relationship, whether or not you reconnect with the other man. Your obsession is a threat to the love object’s current relationship and family.

Asking if you are justified in wanting to see the object of your obsession is like asking an addict if he is justified in wanting a fix. The addiction itself provides the “justification” for feeding the addiction.

Given the long-term nature of this and how it has interfered with your life and relationships, you should pursue professional counseling again. In my opinion, it is not wise for you to see the object of your obsession because of the likelihood that it will trigger — not ease — the intensity of your emotions.

 

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Readers, what do you think is wrong with this lady and what’s your advice? 

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