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My first advice to anyone entering a relationship is to make sure your partner has good standards. It is also important to have assurances that your relationship with him/her won’t lower your own good standards (if you have). I learnt this lesson the hard way through my relationship with Pelumi.
The purpose of my story is not to judge him or anyone; I just want young people to learn that there is more to a relationship than just being a boyfriend or girlfriend to someone. A relationship is like the first step towards something that SHOULD last forever. This means that partners should begin to uphold standards that will keep them strong on the long-term, instead of engaging in activities that can make them regret for the rest of their lives. If the relationship works out, you will have a good foundation to build upon. If it doesn’t work out, you will have good memories to keep instead of bitterness, hate and regrets.
I kind of fell in love with Pelumi before he realized he liked me. We had been hi-hi friends, and only saw in classes. We were in different departments but we always met in the compulsory elective classes. I had liked him from afar, and always wanted him to start a conversation. He eventually did and that was how we got off the mark. Within a few weeks of getting close, we were already dating.
I come from a CAC (Christ Apostolic Church) family and I had built up certain standards for myself while growing up. I dated Pelumi because I really liked him and hoped he would be the kind of man I had always dreamed of to be my husband, but it was not to be. My relationship with Pelumi was a constant war between his desires and my principles.
To put things plainly, Pelumi wanted me to do what other girls were doing. He initially complained that I looked too much like an S.U. He encouraged me to start embracing a little bit of fashion. In a bid to make him happy, I started making my hair; using attachments and always tried to look good. He later said I should try putting on trousers. I raised alarm at first, but he managed to convince me to do it. I got a few trousers and only wore them at school. My parents would kill me if they got to know I wore trousers. Within a few months, I had been transformed totally from what I used to be. I did it for love and was happy because my boyfriend was happy. I got mixed reactions from friends, but it didn’t matter to me as much as Pelumi mattered.
Not suspecting that my transformation would lead to bigger things, I got deeper and deeper into Pelumi and I was really shocked on the day I received my first kiss from him. I didn’t expect it and I was really mad at him. He apologized but explained that there was nothing wrong with it. I was really gullible and crazy in love, so I agreed to it. Soon, we started kissing at every opportunity.
The kissing later started becoming really hot and he started touching and trying to put his fingers in the wrong places. I made it clear to him that I won’t allow that and he agreed that the farthest we will go will be kissing (until we are married).
Pelumi had an agenda, and he was willing to fulfill it, and was very patient about it!
In our third year, he started living off campus while I lived within campus. We had our regular meetings on campus and he usually left for home around 7 in the evening. One particular Saturday evening, he called me to say he was sick and asked me to come over to town. I rushed down with a few stuff I hoped to use in taking care of him. I got to his apartment in town for the first time and was really wowed at the amount of stuff he had in his room. Sincerely, I didn’t want to return to campus but I also knew I couldn’t sleep over at his place.
After making him dinner, I announced my leave and he started begging me to sleep over. I told him I couldn’t as I had to prepare for church the next morning. He started kissing me, using it to cajole me into staying. Soon, the kissing became passionate and we were literally making out. I was gradually getting carried away until I noticed I was already half-naked. I had to spring up to my senses and leave immediately.
In a bid to show my anger towards Pelumi for trying to take advantage of me, I stayed away from him for three days. Surprisingly, he didn’t call me too and did not bother to check on me in my hostel as he usually did. I was really disturbed and thought something was wrong with him but I couldn’t bring myself to visit him at home, so I called him. To my utter shock, he ended my calls.
For up to three weeks, we didn’t see each other; not because I didn’t want to, but he was not available and did not return any of my calls. I eventually met him coincidentally at an eatery on campus. He couldn’t hide and therefore he was forced to talk to me. He told me he couldn’t carry on the relationship anymore if I was not willing to fulfill his sexual desires. I tried to make him reason with me that I needed to stay pure till wedding, but he blatantly refused and threatened to break up if I was not willing to compromise for him.
It was really hurtful, and I had to reflect. I realized how much I had let down myself, my standards, my principles, all in the name of love; yet, he didn’t recognize it. I cried bitterly and resolved to find my identity again. I broke up with him before he could find dignity in doing so with me; using that to console myself and get my confidence back.
Today, I am in a happy relationship with a God-fearing man with godly standards and respects me a lot. We are heading towards marriage and I am happy I can go into the sacred union as a complete woman.
It is my advice to many young ladies and guys out there to find a partner that makes them better and not bitter. The bible says we should not be equally yoked with unbelievers, my relationship with Pelumi taught me the dangers of being equally yoked with someone who does not share in your standards and principles.
– Bidemi. O