I purposely gave this post the title because I literally laughed off my seat at work on the day I stumbled upon this post on Facebook. It was such a memorable day that got me spending my entire break reading comments and laughing uncontrollably. I am sure this post will have the same effect on you by the time you read the hilarious first date stories that we have featured.
This thread trended on Facebook for a few days after it was originally posted, and it featured some of the big social media influencers sharing their hilarious first date stories as well. The fire was set of by Eketi Edima Ete who shared her first date experience, and soon enough, Facebook caught the bug and everyone from different nooks and cranny joined the conversation, sharing in the fun and laughter.
GlowVille decided to pick some of the really entertaining but also educating experiences shared on that thread. Eketi’s permission was sought and gotten, and we have also promised to give due credits to all the first date stories that will be featured here. Enjoy!
My friend felt I was being “too happily single”, so she set me up on a blinddate with her brother’s friend.
When I arrived for the date, the guy monopolized the conversation. He’d planned our lives sef.
“We’re going to get married within 6 months…because I don’t have time to waste. We’re going to have 4 children; two boys and two girls. You, my wife, are going to practice law, only if you remain humble.”
I excused all the rubbish he was saying until we got to a petrol station. The fellow in front of us finished buying fuel but didn’t move his car immediately.
That’s how Bobo Toaster jumped out of the car and started screaming.
“Move this car, you bastard! Come on move this piece of trash before I f**k you up! Look at this bagga o! It’s your type I will beat up and throw in the guard-room for 2 weeks and feed you only bread and water.”
If una see the way I jejely slid down in the front seat, until I was sitting on the floor, under the glove compartment.
Shame wan finish me!
I said to myself, “Eketi, RUN! Or this one will use slap reapply your make up.”
As soon as he dropped me at my gate, I called my friend and warned her never to set me up again. I stopped picking his calls.
I went out with one….sweet guy. But he was a noisy eater. As in, you could hear him chew and swallow.
The ‘kpuooood’ swallowing noise kept turning the heads of the other eaters.
I was like, “Enyi m, stop eating like that. Close your mouth and chew quietly. And must you swallow like so? Please reduce your morsels”
He said, “Solly sweetie…solly o, Nne,” and went on chewing and swallowing the same way.
My cousin had set me up and dude goes
“Where do you see yourself in then next 5years”
Me “I would be done with a project management course, working on my German and Spanish languages training and brewing to get set for law”
Him “wow. You think too highly for a girl”
I just knew that my triplets deserve a better dad to bring them forth
Everything I did meant I was a small boy and needed to grow up to be mature like her.
Reading comics meant I was a small boy
Carrying laptop backpack meant I was a small boy
Watching anime meant I was a small boy
Even wearing sneakers meant I was a small boy
I remember her calling and texting for ages when i told her to park far away from me, so we can meet and “see where it leads”. I was too small a boy to agree.
One I had not even asked out was already feeling cool and telling me all the reasons she would not date a designer, the main one being that we are poor and struggling.
I respected myself and said nothing. Till date she wonders why I stopped calling and visiting.
I am nothing but a pencil in the hand of chineke God and na de eraser wey I use erase de babe from my mind.
The first statement out of his mouth was “wow you are beautiful but you need to lose weight,don’t worry I’ll fix that”.
He thought I was joking till he saw my okada zoom of….bladclat mon!
You see that whitish spittle that gathers at the corner of the mouth.
Naaaa I Kent deal.
Halfway through the date, I claimed to have menstrual pain.
For 35mins that he talked for I didn’t hear one word, all I could think about is how to take a tissue and clean the sides of his mouth.
Oh and he also had that okro spit that connects to the middle of the upper lip and lower lip,that refused to break connection as he spoke #shudders.
My date told me on our first date that he couldn’t wait to “Ravish me like indomie”.
As soon as he dropped me off,I told his friend that linked us that he should tell him never to call my fone in his life again.NONSENSE!
I am even ashamed to type this.
Dude said, ” I know you will be good in sex, as an Edo babe…He then continued…”I love sex a lot o, and I love anal sex”.
That was it o.
I stopped picking his calls.
Mine ended at the first date because he asked me what i was doing presently. I explained to him that I’m undergoing a training on Verbatim court reporting sponsored by the government and it comes with employment at the end of it. I also told him about other side business I do to support myself. He then said “you have more than 80% of the qualities I need in a wife just that you don’t have a job”.
I’m like: was this guy actually listening to me at all , did he miss the part about employment after training? This is someone who told me that he’s looking for a job also .Well, I guess for him, having a job is a vital requirement for a first date to progress further. I didn’t bother with him again.
Where will I start from…. ?????…. but I am sure it all ended when he opened his mouth to speak!… this guys mouth was smelling like regret and shame…. I told him I had beans on fire… I left abeg
I once broke up with a guy that was perfect in every way but during nookie 😅, he’d start speaking Yoruba. Conk Yoruba o. It was weird as hell. I couldn’t deal. I ran away. 😅😅😅
We were meeting for the first time and he told me he was wearing a white shirt. I got there first and started looking round for a person in a white shirt.
Then this devilishly handsome guy in a BLACK t-shirt taps me on the shoulder. When I expressed my surprise, he said and I quote ‘I wanted a chance to bail in case you weren’t pretty’.
It was a nice date. He really was handsome, and I appreciated his honesty and wit. But I never went out with him again.
I was not ready to get pregnant for the devil and bear the Antichrist mbok.
Mine looked 45 but said he was 30. Then he went on to propose marriage to me, promising he won’t allow it “affect” my academics. As if that was not enough, he tried to touch me on the thighs and he reeked of alcohol and cigarrette at 7PM!
She was so rude to everyone starting from the parking lot attendant to the poor waitress at the restaurant. Talked to them like they were thrash. I couldn’t digest any of the food despite my weakness for well cooked “Afere afang”. However, she was very well-mannered and sweet with me. As I took the bill, all I was hearing inside my head was “Ok bye”. Never again mbok!
First phone call was introduction.
Second phone call started with “Baby, I got you a gym membership, you need to start coming to gym tomorrow”.
I said calmly “thank you”.
Then I said to myself, “be still my soul you gave him your phone number”.
We fixed a date to meet, Dude asked me to come to cyber café, I said no. He said I should come to a fuel station and wait for him. I told him no and asked him if there was no eatery in town to meet. He said, “Listen to me, I will be the one to decide where we should meet”.
Okay oh, Uncle Mr. Boss be deciding dia oh, I went back to my house.
He called me to ask where I was, I told him I went home since we could not decide a place that was favourable for both of us. His reply?
“Young woman, you went to university, act like an educated person”.
He called umpteen times after that, I ignored all his calls.
That is not my destiny, mbok.
He scattered the entire plate of rice on the table and left the chicken pieces on the floor. I didnt say a word. Deleted his number, i cant deal biko. I no be cleaner.
After the first date, he wants a matured picture of me on bbm… I sent my sef in a nice suit doing d smilling business… And his reply was common baby, u shd b matured than this…. I need a MATURED picture of you,I promise to delete it immediately… Dat was my cue, I deleted him on my bbm, block on fb ,WhatsApp and blacklisted his lines on my fone straight.
She was too cute.
Well she said we should go to a movie. Then she chose a HORROR movie. Who does that on the firstdate? Well after that we went to have dinner and she let me pay. I didn’t mind too much. Then we were about to get on the subway back home and she couldn’t find her phone. I walked with her back to the cinema calling the phone. She forgot her phone on the table!
Then we walked ohhhhhh. I normally like walking. Not just walking for an hour after a fairly disastrous evening.
Mine made kunu in place of akamu…so I asked her for my feeding bottle…
Mine told his friend on phone I “which” u well instead of I “wish”.I started having a retink.lol
Back then in school, went on a date with dis foine dude.We were at a eatery, d guy had a package with him so when he told me to close my eyes for a surprise, I gladly did so, turned out d idiot kissed me in full glare of all present.I no vex o, just told him I also had a surprise for him n he should close his eyes. I landed a well deserved slap on his cheek, stood up n left. I didnt pick his call again and i’ve never met him again.
Someone also thought I was too happily single and decided to set me up with a medical doctor. So, he came to visit me. I was not really feeling him but I said to myself be patient. He then said he needed the loo. Jesus is Lord! His sheet stank my flat for days. It smelt sooo bad. But he was a nice guy so, I friend zoned him.
Got introduced to him through a friend, after some time of talking on the phone
Guy: I chased away my 4 girlfriends because of you
Me: huh? Should I be jumping for joy? Bye felicia
I’ve had really nasty dates. Myself and ds guy have been very close on bbm no one would believe we haven’t met. After much persuasion from him, i agreed to meet him. I dressed up and was admiring myself in the mirror, feeling fresh and fly lol. Fine! am good to go, he even asked me to board a cab so i wont go through the stress of gumming bus to bus that he would pay. I finally got to Mr Date’s house, Oya Mr Date come and pay cab man, story started; my atm is having issues bla bla.
I Had to withdraw with my atm card to pay the cab man, Mr date didn’t even have a bath knowing i was coming, his body odour was conc H2SO4, the house looking so unkept, finally finally the part that got me angry; “at last you’re here, I’ll eat home cooked meal” i was like it’s not me he’s talking to, when i knew he was serious was when he started mentioning the food stuffs he had for me to select which to cook., then i knew sht just got real. I had to fake a fone call to leave, i just did the puppy face like “awwwwnn.. How i’ld av loved to cook for you, but i just received a fone call from my roomie, she didn’t go out with her key, now i have to rescue her. Trust me I’ll come back weekend” October 1st 2014 till now the weekend has not come o.
In my year one days.. when boyfriend things was still shacking somebody, i met this guy, fine nd fresh something. He persuaded me to go out with him cant call the stupid outing a date, this guy was just talking to me about how he was (or is sef) a cultist in school and he was sent out of school due to cultism bla bla. The only thing he was discussing with me was based on cultism, in my mind i was like omg wht am i doing with this kind of person, these are the kinda boys my momma warned me about . I was so afraid as he was telling me all those things. Since that day, and the whole of year one. No date!
Went on a date with a guy in my third year. He told me he had a name for me aside Enwongo. He said a special name. So when I asked him what it was he said he will be calling me “Blessing” pronounced as “Blezzing”. 😢😢😢😢 I kept telling him ‘Blessing’?, He will reply ‘yes Blezzing”. After I escaped that one day, I never saw him again.
Mine was kabashing at the eatery, I almost fainted. Didn’t ask me what I wanted, went ahead to order water, I endured, not until he opened his mouth and said God told him I am his wife, and thank God am working, so I can support his ministry…lol. Some men and their small head.
He kept checking me out in a very uncomfortable way.. He’d want to see my palms, then my feet, then my nails, my teeth.. I felt like I was being prepped for sale. Oh he even commented that I have man hands.. Finally he said, “You’re OK sha”
These days when he comes around my office, I’m always lucky to sight him from afar off and help my destiny by going to hide
I experienced a horrible combo of fake accent, table knife on the left like dagger at lunch and some of the biggest lies any human being ever heard since the garden of Eden, very fine girl o!, but menh, life is too precious for stories that touch.
Talking about silly dates. I think I have been on the giving end. Invited a girl and we agreed to visit Marina Resort and Tinapa. Time agreed was 2pm. 1:50pm babe was already at my house. Yeye me was still in pyjamas. I could see the disappointment in her eyes. Just mustered the courage, no need for explanation. Had my bath and off we went. Got to Marina Resort, had a great time. Now, we were supposed to hit Tinapa, on our way out, I met some friends who were heading to Emem Inn. Still yeye me did a detour in my mind and pleaded with babe that we should go over to Emem Inn instead of our original plan; Tinapa.
At the end of that date, I think she was just being courteous and never said anything. Only to my amazement later in the day. She sent a text, I don’t think I can have something serious with you if you can’t keep to time and plans, what sort of man does that. I just kept quiet and learned seriously from that incident.
I think I learned my lesson and became better and suave.
I stepped out of a toasters car, looking forward to gisting my roommates how the date went, when another toaster walks out of a corner like a cowboy in a West indies movie…where are you coming from and who was that guy? Before I could respond gbam! He was on his knees…Tobi you are my land, don’t allow any man build or cultivate on my land…..I looked round for a savior…my ancestors couldn’t be watching this and remain silent. My people as I hate and will always hate soap operas I didn’t even give him the chance of a first date.
Mine appeared dressed like a Nigerian police on our first datewhich made me confused if it was a date or war we were going for. He is a black man dressed in all black shirt and trouser. That was our first meeting. I was even thinking he was an undercover police until I knew he was a bloody civilian like me
We decided to go on a movie date after setting off well on BBM. We chilled at an eatery after the movie, and (maybe because of the excitement from the romantic comedy we saw) she couldn’t stop talking about her crush for Olamide. To make matters worse, she referred to him with names like ‘Yahoo Boy No Laptop’, ‘Baddooo’, ‘Daddy Miliano’ et al. At that point, I knew she was too street to be my friend.
I went out with this guy abt 6yrs ago. He was looking at my breast throughout the date and when we finally hugged, I felt his hard on. I stopped picking his calls after that.
Me: You look good.
Him: *in an untraceable foreign accent* Are you sure? I mean I could not find my favorite shoe so had to wear these cheap sneakers. Got them real cheap, 8k babe. *then he laughed one silly ass laughter*.
Me I just told him straight up that I did not like him. First impression matters a lot.
That’s the much we can take on this thread about first date stories. You thirst for more? Please get the full thread here. You can also share your first date stories in the comments section below this post.