This article ventures into an often overlooked issue about communication in relationships; the issue of keeping silent when you should be talking, trying to make peace reign and hoping things will naturally take shape. So we are asking, how much silence is too much silence?
Every so often, there seem to be some conflict of interest in many relationships; especially because the persons in the relationship are from different backgrounds, with different belief system and personal temperaments.
It would also seem that it is these variances that bring the parties together; because, at the onset, there is usually the genuine desire for a partner that complements the other. But in some cases, as the relationship gets older, rather than become like fine wine, the partners begin to seek their original selves (let’s face reality, in the high of the love, we tend to overlook a lot of things), in which case, when faced with a seeming love plateau, both partners begin to ask themselves questions like– when did I begin to take all these rubbish? – Which they would at that point want to begin to redress.
For example, a man who is naturally taciturn may in the heat of attraction to a lady who is more open and talkative begin to share and open up a little more; but once he gets a little assurance that his effort would yield his desires, he may begin to relapse into his original nature.
Now, for the lady on the receiving end, a lot of scenes will begin to play in her head, thereby leading to her asking questions; to which she may not get immediate answers because her partner is naturally not used to sharing; worse still, when prompted.
In the above scenario, we can argue in favour of the man, in that, by that moment in the relationship, the lady should have known his true nature and not push him unnecessarily to become who he is not.
How about in the next very rampant situations these days (which by the way, I have drawn a little conclusion and interestingly have been affirmed by a few sincere men), where some men prefer not to offer information and entertain many questions because they do not intend to ask same of the lady; so that when the lady begins to put certain questions to them, they can retort with “do I question you?”
I know many ladies who, when the above scenario plays too often; would give themselves brain and leave; saying “after all they did not and have not tied me there”. But then, there are some ladies who like to be very considerate.
These considerate ladies usually develop the DEAF-AND-DUMB (DnD) strategy; turning a blind eye to some things that do not even add up nor make sense, just for peace to reign – which they will get – but I am quite sure that it would be at an opportunity cost of some emotional turmoil to them.
Sincerely, I agree that we are expected to pursue peace with all men but I do not think it should be at the expense of our peace of mind. Think of it, the man you’re trying to make peace with is having a little more than peace; he is having a ball. Meanwhile you’re slowly dying; hence, I will suggest that except in the case of paranoia, you MUST, matter-of-factly, seek clarity with and from your partner. This is a must because; foreknowledge can always become the saving element in unforeseen circumstances.
Two, we are constantly being advised to remain ourselves in a relationship, so in a situation where you’re beginning to water down your essence, you’re no longer being yourself. You’re not the only one in the relationship – if you’re working to give your best, your partner must be willing to do same or at least meet you half way.
In any case, if the relationship has become such that you do not intend to answer to your partner at a crucial stage that I like to term THE GET-TO-KNOW-EACH-OTHER (Courting, Dating or whatever else it is called) stage; then a faulty foundation is being laid. Expect a collapse.
In all, we are advising everyone out there to seek for relationships that give you freedom of expression. You must both learn to communicate to each other; even if it’s not in your nature to do a lot of talking, you should endeavour to pass across important messages to your partner as at when necessary. Don’t keep them guessing, don’t keep them aloof, don’t ignore them! The men especially – be a bit more aware of your partner’s temperament and find a way to complement it rather than trying to transfer your personality to hers.
See ehn, communication in relationships cannot be over flogged; it can only be fostered if both partners seek to talk things out rather than sweep things under the carpet. Even if/when you are tired and want to leave the relationship, you must be civil enough to tell the other person verbally rather than keep s/he quiet or use different attitudes and kinesics (with the mind of, s/he will get the message).
These my friends are my thoughts on this matter, I’ll like to hear you, especially on the height of the camel’s back that silence just won’t work for.
I am KIENMO…Scribbling for GLOWVILLE