You see polished army men in uniform, were ndi ahu solu m. That’s my Achilles heel. Kai! Who do me this kain thing? I dream of having a boyfriend in the Army!
Once I see a tall, handsome, military man clad in his camo and wearing those shiny boots, my uterus contracts. I stare unabashedly like a statue.
There’s this thing about them. A certain je ne sais quo. The brilliance, the aesthetic appeal and the authority they exude. Issa wawu sontin. I once nursed the dream of being an Army woman. My mum agreed but my dad said no. I settled for the next best thing. Army guys!
I see them and I scream “yes zaddy” with no atom of class.
Then there’s the pride too. I swear the authority is contagious. That time I had a Captain friend I walked with a spring in my step. Finding wahala anyhow. You know who I be? I was looking for someone to eye me or talk to me anyhow so I could just call Captain to come and take care of them.
Alas no one dared me back then. Na now wey I dey armyless that wahala people dey block me anyhow.
When we were in the NYSC camp, our camp commandant was all shades of handsome. I was the president of his fan club. We would knowingly break the rules so he’d punish us. His punishment was asking us to follow him all around the field during parade. Outwardly we looked miserable but deep inside, we leapt for joy like John the Baptist in Elizabeth’s womb.
I already have a list of things I’d do when I get a boyfriend in the Army and I don’t mind sharing it with you.
1. If I have a boyfriend in the Army, he would never wear mufti. Ever. He’d wear his camo to market, to dates, to church, to sleep.
2. I would start all my sentences with “my boyfriend in the army said” and find a way to put it into every conversation.
Are you selling gbogbonise? Well my boyfriend in the Army said gbogbonise is gotten from the the Greek words, gbogbon and ise. Mummy you want me to stop pressing phone? You have a point but my army boyfriend said pressing phone is a way of exercising your fingers. Pastor we should stop wearing make-up? Preach on sir but my army boyfriend said they wore make-up before attacking insurgents. You like Afang? I do too but my army boyfriend said it is a laxative sha.
3. I would wear camo everywhere. Camo bra, pant, tight, jeans, tee, handkerchief, shoes, everything.
4. I would knowingly get into altercations just so I can tell the person, “do you know me? Ok you don’t know me but DO YOU KNOW MY BOYFRIEND!!!”
You think I’m crazy? You’ve obviously not seen me catwalk past Navy Office on my way to work.
The thirst is strong!
What will you do if you have a boyfriend in the Army?